12

The rest of my day passed by slowly and painfully, but was not nearly interesting enough to account for here. I went to bed early, and woke up early. After eating breakfast, I dressed and went out to the docks to wait for my crew. I got there at 4:00, an hour earlier than I usually did, and I’m not really sure how I managed to for an hour on the fly deck doing nothing.

Ryan was the first to arrive. I climbed down from the fly deck and met him on the dock. He handed me the pouch we kept business money in, then began to give the ship an inspection and set it up for sailing. He was unusually quiet today, but I didn’t bother him about it. None of us were really morning people, anyway. I don’t think anyone’s a morning person at five in the morning. The rest of the crew came in one by one, and our entourage was complete by five-thirty.

“Aye Adam, I hear the water’s s’posed to be rough t’day,” Jason, one of the newer men, yelled at me.

“We’ll be fine,” I told him, waving him away. “None of us are married, anyway.” The men laughed, and I plastered a fake grin on my face, but felt it fall the more I thought about Ondine. I groaned and gave the ship a final once-over, then motioned for Ryan to unhitch the ropes. I went into the cabin and lifted the anchor. “Are we ready?” I shouted out the cabin door. Ryan nodded, and he joined me in the cabin, shutting the door behind him. He joined me in the skipper’s chair, where Ondine had sat when I took her out to sea.

“How far you plan on goin’ out today, Adam?” Ryan’s lilt made me feel like I was in a movie or something.

“Thirty, but if the sky looks badly, I might just stay at twenty-five,” I answered dryly, smacking my lips and staring out ahead of me.

“You alright, Captain?” Ryan asked, furrowing his brow at me.

“Yes,” I muttered. “I just have an idiot for a mother, is all.”

“Is she still living off of that pension?” Ryan asked, baffled. “How much was your damn father worth?” I frowned, and he shook his head. “Not what I meant, sorry.”

“I guess he just got good coverage because of his job,” I said with a shrug. “The premium is damn high, owning a boat and using it often though, I’ll tell you that.”

Ryan smirked, looking in front of him. “Are you sure that’s the only thing bothering you?”

“I never said it was the only thing,” I replied starkly. Ryan grimaced, but shrugged me off, and we were silent for the next few minutes. I could feel the distance between the boat and land growing behind me, and I could feel the weight of the heavy clouds above us, and I suddenly felt something I had never felt before in my career.

I was afraid.

Ryan looked over at me, and surely noticed the expression that had crossed my face. “Adam?” He sat forward in his seat and leaned over to get my attention. “What’s wrong, captain?”

I began to slow the boat. I could hear the men in the back questioning the change in speed. I looked over to Ryan and shook my head. I couldn’t find any words. I looked at the floor, mouth agape, stricken with something I was so unfamiliar with.

               “Adam.” I looked back up at Ryan. His concern had turned to sympathy. His gaze was calm, but sorrow, and mine frightened and frantic. I was so conflicted and he just had to watch, at the most inconvenient of times. All of the sudden, the intensity in my chest and the confusion it my brain lifted, and I breathed again.

               “I’m…I’m sorry,” I gasped, shaking my head. I sped up the boat, and heard cheering from the deck. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me.”

               “Adam,” Ryan said soberly. “You can’t just pretend this is something that doesn’t exist.”

               “I’m going to have to try.”